- The arrival of a baby and the efforts of child-raising.
- The decline of the erotic aspect of their relationship.
- More and more arguments, many of which remain unresolved.
- For older couples whose children have all left home, the “empty nest” syndrome.
- The discovery of an affair, or frequent moments of acute jealousy or suspicions of cheating.
- The frustrations of the woman with the under-functioning of the man – too absent in his demanding job – in practical household tasks and/or with their children.
- Big differences in sensitivity between the two partners, which makes it harder to communicate in a way which satisfies both.
The male partner’s shame at “failing” according to higher standards for emotional communication that the female partner holds, typically brings him to resist the vulnerability of exposing his deep feelings to an outside person who is projected/imagined to be a critical judge.
This mechanism of resistance is very powerful and widespread but may be sub-conscious in the male partner; he may convince himself that purely material reasons (cost, lack of time, etc.) make it a bad idea.
We start by working on present behaviors and communication. Sooner or later, signs of past issues pop up in a session. We then invite that partner to be the Sender about the issue in an Intentional Dialogue at the next couple session. We help the other partner prepare for listening to and processing well the new information when he/she is Receiver in that I.D. The empathy and spirit of cooperation that this generates in the Receiver partner will help any behavior change of the Sender partner – which might be decided on after the I.D. – to “stick” much better and longer than if no such I.D. were first done.
Yes, it does. There are specific Dialogue “tools” to make couple communication about this (usually key) aspect of the couple’s life much easier to talk about.
We do not initiate this topic, but once the couple brings it up themselves we teach them the relevant I.D. and then either leave it to the couple to try it out in private as a “homework” (this is often very difficult, though) or else coach their use of it directly ourselves in a session.
An affair usually happens to “help” that partner escape from the big difficulties he or she is having with emotional intimacy in the relationship at home. Unfortunately, this escape drains away creative energy that is needed for the ‘home couple’ to develop instead of stagnate.
We use a sequence of I.D.s to increase each partner’s capabities to speak with each other honestly about what unavowed needs the infidelity is trying to meet as well as other unresolved, avoided topics.
This work is easier to succeed if the unfaithful partner cuts off from the affair-partner, but can also be done if doing so is not presently acceptable for him or her – letting the unfaithful partner have time to become more ready for that decision.
In any case, an impulsive breakup can be avoided thanks to this work.